The Cow Chronicles

Man, those first few days after calving can be rough on the milkmaid. Especially when she has little ones of her own to also look after. The theme this morning was sh*t. Let's see milked Berretta first, then Happy. Now Happy doesn't kick much, like Teeny does when fresh, but her udder is so huge, and stuffed with milk, that it is like trying to hook a milker up to a square bale of hay. The pulsator slows way down, we lose suction and inflations keep popping off. She isn't letting down, is EXTREMELY agitated about Henrietta's whereabouts. So we usher Henny up by her head, she slobbers her grain all over the calf, trying to eat and groom her at the same time, and pretty much looks rabid. I get this brilliant idea to feed the calf a bottle while Happy is still in the milk parlor, because Happy has some issues. She will drink milk, doesn't nurse anyone or anything crazy like that, but will drink the buckets of milk I put out for the pigs, and I found out yesterday that yes, she will drink from a bottle. Imagine my surprise when trying to teach Happy's baby to take a bottle, I also have to fight her away from the darn bottle! That's a first! 900- 1,000lb cow drinking from a bottle. I really should get a video.
Anyway, I pour about a gallon of colostrum on the floor trying to fill a 1/2 gallon calf bottle because I'm shaking, because I'm hungry and haven't eaten yet. Before I even cap the bottle, theres a golden shower cascading to the floor splashing in the spillled colostrum. Happy was peeing, Jude dove for the bucket, I've set in the corner for such emergencies. Tally---a 1/2 bucket of p*ss so far. We get Henrietta latched on her bottle, and there is this strange plopping sound. Happy was now crapping in the puddle of spilled colostrum and pee. This time unfortunately, Jude made a grave error in his bucket holding technique and left his hand right in the line of fire. He got a steamy surprise to say the least. He yelled, " YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and I said a bad word--again. Tally--- a 1/2 bucket of p*ss, and a 1/2 bucket of sh*t. I told Jude we had to get her out of there NOW! And gave him the bottle with calf attached to it, Happy in hot pursuit and wouldn't you know it, he stepped backwards into a fresh pile of--yup-- poop. Beretta's little gift in the middle aisle. He was wearing Crocs and it just oozed out the holes. I said another bad word. Jude almost puked and meanwhile the calf was butting him HARD wanting more milk. Then I slipped in the stinking sh*t, trying to make a graceful leap to get her out of the barn for goodness sake, and YES I was also wearing crocs so you know how THAT went!
Somehow we manage to get the other cows milked, and by the time we returned them to pasture we've simmered down, and are admiring what just might be the cutest little Mama and Baby EVER! Seriously those two are incredibly cute, even cuter when I'm wearing rubber boots next time, I think.