Monday, August 10, 2009

Low Blood Sugar Blues

Last night we had an EXTREMELY close call with Ayla, we were probably just moments away from a hypoglycemic seizure. Ayla has been very active lately and we've caught several 70-80's not bad, but no telling if she was rapidly dropping at the time. While cooking dinner she was VERY cranky but I figured she was hungry and dinner was almost done. I yelled to Dante to check her, he does and says she is 35! We grab a juice box and while she drinks that, look for another one. I asked her if she wants to eat her supper on my bed so I can watch her closely and apparently she tried to climb down and just dropped off her seat! We were expecting her to seize any moment, but check her blood again and the juice is already taking effect back up to 76.
I didn't sleep much. It gave me plenty of time to think about how much I really hate this disease. How am I ever gonna be able to let her grow up and take all this responsibility on herself? I don't really want her to have that burden of keeping herself alive 24 hours a day everyday. What about when she is sick, who will check her ketones while she vomits? What if she is really low, and weak and can't pyhsically get to some juice? What about marriage and children? I know she is only 3 years old, but these are the thoughts that plague me and haunt me especially at night when I'm alone.
Pam, one of our midwives called yesterday, to check on me and I broke down and cried. I'm still embarassed about that. I told her I think I'm depressed. That's the first time I admitted that to anyone, even myself. I just can't seem to shake the sadness. I find lot's of joy every day, so I can't be that bad off, eh? But it's the feeling of being overwhelmed, and the pain. I guess I'm still grieving our old life. This stinks, but I'm so very grateful for my family and that we are all still here. There is so much to be thankful for, I am grateful.

7 comments:

  1. Sending prayers and hugs your way. I wish I could do more.

    Tammy

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  2. I want to send you a hug and some hope. Please remember not to borrow trouble from tomorrow. Tomorrow maybe a cure will be found. As with all illness, it is harder when they are younger. She has a faster metabolism now then she will in 5 years. She is growing so fast, that it would be hard to keep up with her without the diabetes. I am thankful that Ayla has such a dedicated mom to help her through this. Surely GOD chose you and you alone to raise HIS precious Ayla. HE knew you would would raise her with joy amidst the challenge and courage in times of trials. I am praying that GOD will bring you peace and joy and that your darkness lasts but for the night.

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  3. I wanted to add that extra sleep helps you to be strong. I hope that you can start taking 15 minute cat naps throughout the day. It really does work. At night, when your thoughts are the busiest, pray until you feel GOD'S presence. Take every thought captive and pray. I hope you will fall asleep quickly and have peaceful dreams.

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  4. Thanks for the encouragement and prayers! You are so right, " don't borrow trouble from tommorrow ". I want so much for ALL my kids. Lack of sleep does make things seem worse than they are!

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  5. Sending hugs Jessika, Tammy said it all so well!
    Does she get any longer relief from carbs (after the juice)? Peaceful sleep for you, you are a great mom doing a monumental job.

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  6. As another Mom who is always doing too much, can I tell you that you're doing too much? ;)

    You have five children under the age of what? And you have a small dairy? Each one of those, on its own, is more than enough work for one woman! Gads, woman - go easy on yourself! Being so busy and having so many responsibilities will certainly feel overwhelming and when you're chronically overwhelmed, depression almost inevitably follows. Try to scale back to a slower pace and don't beat yourself up!

    Hugs to you, Jaye

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  7. Thank you, Liz and Jaye. I used to do too much, I admit, but this summer I have let a lot go and focused on things that truly make me happy. Most important my kids,then my little dairy. I think we need to get on board with some of the diabetes technology that is out there--insulin pump, and CGMS.I appreciate the support, as I tend to isolate myself.

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